In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

April 24, 2012

It Is What It Is--Or Is It...

So it's been a crazy year--full of agony, trials, leaps of faith, tears of joy and sadness, laughter, and gratitude. It's been a year that I will always remember not because of sadness-more because of lessons learned. Some lessons have blindsided me, and others I fought tooth and nail just to come to grips with knowing I knew the lesson all the time {i just really didn't like it.}

Now, it's the most unusual feeling. I knew someday I would be at this place. I knew I would have the opportunity to find out not what was but what will be. And not to sound too cheesy, but I'm in love with the saying "Unless you spread your wings, you'll never know how high you can fly."

I struggled with staying in the nest or flying the coup. It was easy to be home. Comfortable and content. I could wake up knowing what my day would hold and confident I could handle it. As time went by, I became restless and thirsty for a little rebellious opportunity. I found myself not able to commit-- to anything, and I realized it's because I knew I really want to be doing something different. It was a little unsettling, because I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew it had to be different.

I don't have a life plan. I used to, and then found out no one's life is really about a projected timeline. It's more about where you are in life. As if we have all these things we're meant to do in life, but it really isn't about what we're meant to do...it's about what we're doing while we're getting there. We all scramble around in the dark trying to figure it out, and in different times, stages, and lessons, we almost get there. At least we think we do.

I do however have all these plans-dreams. And I've decided that I didn't just randomly come up with these incredible stories I can't wait to act out. These have been formed by tiny little experiences and lessons that have guided my stories, chapter after chapter, and will one day wrap up my book of memories.

With all of that being said---I'm terrified, excited, anxious, and oh so very happy. I'm starting a new job on Monday. I'm moving this Thursday, and I actually think this tops the emotions of high school and college graduations combined. For some reason, knowing what I know added to knowing I have so much to learn with a scoop of more patience and insight with a glimpse of joy and a streaming light of faith paving my way.....I know it's the right path. It's new start to something unknown.

Mary Poppins made a huge impact on my life as a very young girl. I mean, yes, her story is full of imagination, colorful fun, and plenty of sing-alongs, but there is a true unbreakable story inside of the racing carousel ponies and interactive sidewalk paintings extravaganza. Sometimes... it just is what it is. No joke, no changing it, no way around it. And then sometimes, it is something unexpected. Something you never would have thought about. Something new and evolving. Something that is always the opposite of what it should be. Mary Poppins is "Practically Perfect in Every Way." That in itself tells you she's not perfect at all. How can you be "practically perfect?" You're either perfect or your not... that's the definition of perfect {exactly correct!} You can't be practically exactly correct.

I absolutely love this picture I found of Mary Poppins!!! There she stands in "practically perfect" with soot all of her face laughing and a huge gorgeous smile!

She changed people just by being herself. Her games and songs filled their hearts, and Mary's imagination showed us, sometimes there's more to what you think. Look again, it could surprise you! I can't wait to see what will surprise me on my new journey.

May He catch me when I fall or teach me to fly...

February 19, 2012

Ta-Dah!!....

It's been so long. I've been in one of the weird places where there's a lot of thinking going on....a lot of talking going on..... but not a lot I can write down. Not that it's unimportant, but more like it's just not that interesting to share.

Today, I woke up rested and relaxed. I heard birds chirping outside my window, and the sound of the fan in my room was so soothing I probably could have just went right back to sleep. Instead, I looked at my long window and saw the blue sky and bright green leaves on the trees peeking into my sunlit room. It was a nice way to greet the day.

After a long talk with a friend last night, I found myself really unsteady about the next steps I'll be making in my life. My mind is everywhere, and for the most part I think that is ok, intimidating but fine. There's not a timeline I have to keep in line or an agenda I have to stick to.... it's more like an apparent echo of the track record I have keep to.

My roommate in college used to get tickled with me because I would decide {out of no where} I need to change up my room. I'd rearrange furniture and change out the bedding and drapes. She'd always say, "I thought you just changed up everything a little while ago?!" I usually would respond with something like, "Yeah, but I think I've found a better way I'd like it," or "I know, but I was thinking..... of this {whatever, this, maybe."  Eventually I'd have to yell for help when I'd get pinned between the dresser and the wall....she'd always come to my aid. After I'd spend all day getting it set up, I would be content. A few months later, I'd have to scratch the itch again and change everything up again. She on the other hand had her furniture, bedding, and curtains the exact same way in the same position from the day we moved into the townhouse to the day we moved out. She always says I can't stay content with how things are for too long... I eventually have to change it up. And, I say I have to agree.

The realization I've come to is... it's a good thing--to change, I mean. I guess it's exploring another road, taking another step, learning a new idea, and opening yourself to another side of... you. I think it makes me appear really fickled or directionless or....lost, and that used to bother me. But what I've decided these last couple of weeks, I'm ok with that. Soooo many people stick to an idea, a road, or an idea of who they are or what they think they want to be, and for most.... I feel like they miss the opportunity to find they could be better than they ever thought they could. I do think most people are genuinely happy with the people they've become or the lives they live, but I wonder....if that's for me. I'm sure it works for some to "know" where they're going or what they have planned. I mean it has to, right?!

It used to somewhat intimidate me when people would seem so sure or have a great routine they'd follow because somehow my lack of direction was a faulty characteristic--lost. Now I realize, lack of direction doesn't mean I'm lost... it just might mean, the road for me isn't paved. It can be anything I want, go anywhere I decide, and be as long as God allows. I don't think I have a decided destination except an ultimate place beside Him. I once said recently when asked about a certain decision I'd made, "some of the best things happen when you make a decision that doesn't make any sense at all. There's a difference between a bad decision and choosing a decision that doesn't make any sense--there's an opportunity to learn." Now I'm no great philosopher, but for some reason that statement has stuck with me.

"There's an opportunity to learn," just makes me a little excited.

June 20, 2011

Oh Summer Nights...

Well, I must say I'm pretty darn proud. My mom and I figured out how to use the grill. Oh yeah.... it was a great accomplishment. Don't laugh. Seriously... Dad always did all the grilling or yard work or fixing stuff around the house. We ladies were not well educated in the "this is how you grill" department. Tonight, we had BBQ ribs, squash, and potatoes! After determining that the ribs were in fact cooked to the correct temperature, we decided it was...Delicious!

I'm looking forward to spending some Summer nights either on the lake, grillin' on the back patio, hangin' out in the hot tub, or just watching a good movie under a nice fan. There's nothing like sitting outside watching the lightning bugs' glow to bring back your youth.

Forget an aging serum, go outside, sit in a hot tub or rocking chair, drink some sweet tea or lemonade, eat some fresh fruit, watch the moon, listen to crickets, spit out the watermelon seeds, and just wait for the lightning bugs. Trust me, it will become routine.

Two Hooks, Suckers and Cokes...

Last year I remember I wanted to take my dad fishing for Father's Day, so we went to the pond. Daddy loaded up two fishing poles for two great fisherpeople {one unlicensed I might add,} worms and bait, one bobble head, two cokes, and two suckers.

When I was a kid, Mom and Dad would take the fam fishing. Mom would get Jarrett and I ready, and Dad would get everything else ready--tackle boxes, bait, poles, everything you might need to catch the "big fish." He would load us all up in the truck, stop at the gas station for a particular kind of bubble gum, blow pops, sunflower seeds, peanuts, and cokes. As we drove to the creek, he'd add a couple of peanuts to his Coca-Cola bottle and just hum a little. Mom would sit at the other end of the seat with the window down enjoying the sun and the wind. Once our destination was reached, we'd pile out of the truck. Daddy would get every one's poles ready with some gooped up mess with either bait or worms or whatever he thought my make the fish bite. He'd send us on our way to go catch those fish. Mom was a pro. Jarrett learned quickly. I....well... didn't really catch on.

By my first cast, I'd either be in the bushes, or catch on a limb, or lost my worm. He'd run over {poor thing} get me all set up again, then try to go find a good spot for himself. And every time, every single time, Dad would get positioned, just perfect, cast, and...... "Daddy, I'm stuck." And every time, he'd reel in his bait, find where ever my line might be, reset, and cast it for me. He wasn't able to fish at all.

Finally he got smart. I had this Snoopy fishing people that was tiny {of course, I was 3-7 years old at the time} while I used this pole. Daddy would bring a big bucket with us. And whenever anyone caught a fish, he'd put it in the bucket full of water. Then he'd walk me over to the bucket and let me "fish" out of the bucket. It was perfect. I was happy, and he got to fish. I caught some whoppers, too!

Last year, I guess I wanted to reminisce so that's why I wanted to go fishing. Just Dad and I went to the pond, oh... and Ozzy came too. As Ozzy splashed in and out of the pond, Daddy set up my pole {this time it was a real pole.} Then he went to set up his own. Yes... I still don't bait my hook or unhook my fish. After a while of chattering, I, as we both knew it would eventually happen, hooked a tree... a rather large, tall tree. I still don't know how it happened. Faithful Daddy came over to try to correct my error. When he was exhausted, he finally cut the line, went back to tackle box, and reset my line with a new hook and bobble head {I don't know if that is the correct term, but that's what we always called the orange and yellow bobber that goes under water when you've a caught a fish.}

We went back to chatt'n it up....which I know you're supposed to be quiet while fishing, but Daddy always let me talk, and let's face it... I wouldn't be able to contain myself anyway. I noticed he was sitting on the ground picking on Ozzy. I thought it was odd, so I went over to the other side of the pond where they were, and asked him what was wrong with Oz. He said, "Other than being the stupidest craziest dog I've ever seen....just a tick." I noticed Daddy's pole was laying beside him. I asked, "Done fishin'?" {I know... how country is that?} He sweetly replied, "Nope. I only brought two hooks, and after you lost yours, I just cut mine off and put it on your pole so you could keep fishin'."

Another words, he loved me.

June 5, 2011

For Real? Yep...

So my mom loaned me a book to read. I'd already knew the jist of the story, but this book was more than a "book." I'm not much on reading {I get too bored usually... I just want to get to the meat and potatoes, you know.} Anyway, I literally read this book in about 45 minutes. It was heartfelt, interesting, and REAL.

Heaven is for Real is written by Todd Burpo, father of the boy who when to heaven and came back with amazing stories of what he saw. Colton was 3 years old when he appendix burst; he nearly died. His parents were in different parts of the hospital when Colton went to heaven, yet Colton could tell his mother and father exactly what they were doing while he was in heaven.

Todd is a preacher and Sonja is a teacher. They are bewildered with the openness their toddler displayed while sharing what he saw on his trip. So matter of factly and innocently, Colton explains meeting relatives, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and John the Baptist.

There are a few lines in this book that shook me to the core. If you do indeed read this book, I think you'll find you will have a new understanding.

"When I was angry at Gold because I couldn't go to my son, hold him, and comfort him, God's son was holding my son in his lap."

"This was also the first time Colton had mentioned other people in heaven. I mean, other than Bible figures like John the Baptist, but I have to admit that I sort of thought of him as...well, a 'character' more than a regular person like you and me."

Colton, what do you want people to know from your story? Without hesitation, he looked her {Sonja} in the eye and said, 'I want them to know that heaven is for real.'

Goosebumps!!! It assures what I already knew. It makes me think differently about heaven, life, choices, and the Holy Trinity. I hope to have "childlike humility"  or "intellectual honesty."

Jesus loves me this I know!

May 31, 2011

Holidays...

Welp! Memorial Day is just off our heals. My family is amazing! They helped mom and I plant flowers, clean up the house, and then my Uncle Norman cooked a great feast of shrimp, potatoes, and corn. We took our boat out to Lake Ouachita on Sunday. I don't think we've even seen the boat in at least a year. To our amazement the battery was charged!  And if you know anything about Scott Holidays... that never happens. I don't think there has been a 4th of July or Memorial Day that all the family was off work, could get to the lake, and could actually get the boat in the lake without some temper tantrums, dead batteries, or other shenanigans.

I am so thankful for my family and friends {without which I don't know what we would have done!} I am so excited for our next holidays. With a bit of a heavy heart, I do hope we can enjoy each others company and more happy holidays to come. A huge piece of our hearts will be physically absent but joyfully present to share the uproars, groans and moans, tears, shouts of excitement, and laughter.

Here's to celebrating life, family and friends!

May 19, 2011

Felicity and Dawson {cheaper than therapy...}

So as my life has made a hard right turn on the road of 555 Unsure Avenue in the city of Uncomfortable in the state of Unbalancedandscared, I have found myself watching the shows I blogged earlier about. Something about these shows allow me to float into a TV euphoria full of Dawson, Joey, Pacey, and Jen or Felicity, Noel, Ben and Julie. I feel like I'm sitting on Felicity's dorm floor or Dawson's roof watching it all play out.

While it might sound like it's just an escape, watching these teenage drama series have made it easier to live day-to-day with the uncertainty of what will happen next. I watch the shows, and I can get so wrapped up in their drama, I almost {almost} can let go of my own. It's odd to think, but I think the down time actually gives me the time to process what's going on around me. The chatter of the shows {while I am actively watching and understanding what's going on in their stories} keeps me company while I can passively sit and subconsciously come to grips with reality. Sometimes I will be "multi-tasking" and I'll hear a statement from the series and it just hits me.... hard {like, oh wow, that's exactly right. I needed to hear that. I need to think about that.} So I'll take the words from Felicity and toss and turn them over and over until I have wrapped my head around whatever it is at that moment that's giving a hard time.

It may sound like I'm just a "couch potato," but the way I figure it, I can:
(a) spend time with Felicity and Dawson on the couch {or in bed} now while I'm figuring out my next steps that way I'm able to deal with everything now, as it comes   
OR
(b) I can wait, not deal with it because I'm not giving myself time for processing, and end up on a therapist's couch and spend a lot more than $8.99 per season.