In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

February 19, 2012


It's been so long. I've been in one of the weird places where there's a lot of thinking going on....a lot of talking going on..... but not a lot I can write down. Not that it's unimportant, but more like it's just not that interesting to share.

Today, I woke up rested and relaxed. I heard birds chirping outside my window, and the sound of the fan in my room was so soothing I probably could have just went right back to sleep. Instead, I looked at my long window and saw the blue sky and bright green leaves on the trees peeking into my sunlit room. It was a nice way to greet the day.

After a long talk with a friend last night, I found myself really unsteady about the next steps I'll be making in my life. My mind is everywhere, and for the most part I think that is ok, intimidating but fine. There's not a timeline I have to keep in line or an agenda I have to stick to.... it's more like an apparent echo of the track record I have keep to.

My roommate in college used to get tickled with me because I would decide {out of no where} I need to change up my room. I'd rearrange furniture and change out the bedding and drapes. She'd always say, "I thought you just changed up everything a little while ago?!" I usually would respond with something like, "Yeah, but I think I've found a better way I'd like it," or "I know, but I was thinking..... of this {whatever, this, maybe."  Eventually I'd have to yell for help when I'd get pinned between the dresser and the wall....she'd always come to my aid. After I'd spend all day getting it set up, I would be content. A few months later, I'd have to scratch the itch again and change everything up again. She on the other hand had her furniture, bedding, and curtains the exact same way in the same position from the day we moved into the townhouse to the day we moved out. She always says I can't stay content with how things are for too long... I eventually have to change it up. And, I say I have to agree.

The realization I've come to is... it's a good thing--to change, I mean. I guess it's exploring another road, taking another step, learning a new idea, and opening yourself to another side of... you. I think it makes me appear really fickled or directionless or....lost, and that used to bother me. But what I've decided these last couple of weeks, I'm ok with that. Soooo many people stick to an idea, a road, or an idea of who they are or what they think they want to be, and for most.... I feel like they miss the opportunity to find they could be better than they ever thought they could. I do think most people are genuinely happy with the people they've become or the lives they live, but I wonder....if that's for me. I'm sure it works for some to "know" where they're going or what they have planned. I mean it has to, right?!

It used to somewhat intimidate me when people would seem so sure or have a great routine they'd follow because somehow my lack of direction was a faulty characteristic--lost. Now I realize, lack of direction doesn't mean I'm lost... it just might mean, the road for me isn't paved. It can be anything I want, go anywhere I decide, and be as long as God allows. I don't think I have a decided destination except an ultimate place beside Him. I once said recently when asked about a certain decision I'd made, "some of the best things happen when you make a decision that doesn't make any sense at all. There's a difference between a bad decision and choosing a decision that doesn't make any sense--there's an opportunity to learn." Now I'm no great philosopher, but for some reason that statement has stuck with me.

"There's an opportunity to learn," just makes me a little excited.

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